


"What's The Weirdest Place You've Ever Had Sex?"

by KingCroweOfCamelot



Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Schönberg/Boublil
Genre: AU, Banter between two old men, Crack?, Established Relationship, Javert doesn't like the answer he gets, M/M, Madeleine Era, Toulon Era, answering awkward questions, idek, is it crack?, ooh mystery, references to
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-03
Updated: 2015-01-06
Packaged: 2018-03-05 01:48:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3100544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingCroweOfCamelot/pseuds/KingCroweOfCamelot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a splendid AU, where everything turns out ok, Valjean and Javert somehow get their hands on multiple copies of various quizzes, including:<br/>"The Mr and Mrs !!!Just Married!!! Quiz"<br/>"Which Les Misérables Character Are You?"<br/>"15 Dirty "Would You Rather" Questions"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Mr And Mrs !!!Just Married!!! Quiz

 

** THE MR AND MRS !!!JUST MARRIED!!! QUIZ **

ANSWERED BY  **JAVERT** AND  _VALJEAN  
_

 

The first two questions have been tailored to suit the participants. _  
_

** _What's it like living with and loving someone you once hated?_ **

_It has been strange at moments but thoroughly rewarding at others. I held a passionate hatred for Javert regarding the conditions at... well, at Toulon, but by the time we met once more in Montreuil sur Mer, I had become more established in the art of forgiveness, which I owe to the Bishop. It was considerably easier to forgive and forget about our disagreements._

**When I forget he's a convict-**

_\- ex-convict -_

**-an ex-convict, he's actually pretty easy to love. And considering I had no idea he was even 24-**

_\- Jean Valjean -_

**\- he was even Jean Valjean when I fell for him, it was all about them muscles.**

_"Those" muscles._

**It's hard living with him though. When he gets comfy around you, he tends to correct every mistake you ever make. And he cannot make a decent brew to save his life.**

** _How have you overcome the baggage in your history?_ **

_It has taken time and we are still in the process. Javert is not one to forgive lightly, so it will no doubt involve increasing amounts of work. As soon as I realised that my life would be dramatically simpler if I forgave this man for past mistakes, then I knew my only challenge was to will Javert to do likewise. Upon getting to know him, Javert has revealed himself to be a strong and powerful, yet gentle man. Whilst not particularly sympathetic, he is caring... occasionally... and I admire his passion and strong dedication and commitment to everything he does, although it can be misplaced, in my opinion. Forgiveness, and consequently the ability to "overcome" the past, came from accepting his positive attributes and the reasons I love him, and allowing his negative connotations to be washed away._

**Basically, what this prattler means is he likes me now because God.**

_You are very blunt sometimes._

**Suck it.**

_I have._

**...**

 

Now we begin the quiz!

_ **What do you like most about your partner?** _

**How truthfully do you want me to answer this?**

_He has striking eyes. If you look closely, you can see the stars in them, I think._

**Wait what really?!**

_I have always thought that._

**I like your peni- no. I... um... like your... devotion? To God?**

_That will do, yes._

**_What do you like least about your partner?_ **

_I honestly do not think this is a constructive question at all._

**He always smells of bread. Do you know how off putting that can be when I'm trying to fu-**

_You can sometimes fart during intimate moments._

**...**

_I apologize, but it's true._

_ **Who is his best friend?**   
_

_Gymont. I am never rid of tales of this horse._

**Valjean got on really well with the Bishop. Probably him. Or The Lord himself. Or Cosette. Or his candlesticks. Or bread. I, however, have one friend. Much more simpler.**

_**What is one thing he would save from a fire?** _

**The candlesticks.**

_Maybe his uniform...? A sandwich? Javert is not really as sentimental as such._

**I'm sure you've already saved those candlesticks from a fire, now I think of it. Or I might just be getting confused with another story you have told me.**

_Although, I hope that in the unlikely event of such fire, your first instinct would be to rescue me. I am not sure whether you would manage to carry me, I doubt that you could heave me out of a house, but it is the thought that matters, and at least if you tried to pick me up, I would be awake, and then I would be able to carry myself to safety._

**...You read too much into these questions, Valjean...**

  _ **Who is his celebrity crush?**_

_"Celebrity?" I am unfamiliar with this term..._

**He's always been a fan of Charles VI. Charles le fou! Jean and him have much in common.**

** _What is the most embarrassing thing he's ever done?_   
**

_Made a... Ahem... Made a not so subtle pass at the Mayor of a small sea side town._

**...**

_He won't speak now I have brought that up._

**...**

_It was rather funny._

**How was I to know you were talking about needles for the factory, hmm?**

_He thought I was trying to seduce him by casually discussing the ease of threading a thin point through a small hole when the "threader" is inexperienced. I had received a comment from a kind, hardworking lady that the eye of the needles were too small to be efficient. I was merely making small talk because he would not leave me alone._

**Shut up.**

_He blushed and then suggested he would like to try and thread my hole, although his point was far from thin. Needless to say, I was incredibly confused, until I noticed the strained bulge in his trousers and then I understood._

**Stop laughing. I hate you.**

_**How many children does he want?** _

**...**

_This is not aimed at queer couples, I suppose?_

**Cosette is quite enough for him to handle, I think.**

_If Javert were ever to have bore a child, I am certain he would squash it._

** _What's his favourite part of your body?_ **

**Valjean likes my eyes.**

_Javert likes my devotion to God._

** _What's your favourite part of his body?_ **

**Valjean's broad and muscly frame is very admirable.**

_I like his slight and small, yet ever growing, collection of biscuits and cakes he keeps round his waist._

**... What the heck? You're supposed to compliment me!**

_..._

**Do you mean to tell me...**

_..._

**Are you implying I'm getting _FAT?_**

_Nobody said that, dear._

**But you imPLIE-**

_-Shhh._

** _What year did you get together?_ **

**1832.**   _1823._

**We can never agree.**

_ **What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?** _

_Ahem. I find this most intrusive..._

**The back of a-**

_-do you have to-_

- **horse.**

_This was in my Mayor days, I was younger then- more flexible._

**Gymont has always been a loyal companion.**

_**What's his favourite sex position?** _

_"Position"?! Please can we return to the previous style of question?_

**We don't tend do to positions. Valjean just likes it when I ram him as hard a possible, but he is getting a tad to old now.**

_JAVERT!_

_**Would you rather spend an evening out with his parents or your parents?** _

_My own._

**His.**

_ **What's his special name for you?** _

_It varies depending on his mood. Sometimes it can be a string of five numbers, and other times he is as personal as "Jean". The most common is "Valjean" and that is fine with me, so long as he does not say it in the spiteful way he used to. I know he prefers last names anyway. Although, he called me "maman" by accident once, bless him. He had just woken up._

**Piss off, Valjean. He's** **usually respectable enough to call me Javert, and respectable enough not to mention my mother.**

_Apologies_ _._

_** Would you trust him to choose your wedding dress? ** _

_I cannot think of a situation where I would be required to even think of wearing a dress, but I'm sure that Javert would be more than capable of finding a suitable wedding dress for me, if it were to be necessary._

**No.**

_**What's his favourite meal?** _

**Simple soup or stew. He likes it plain and normal- beef or chicken, or tomato or potato. Served with fresh baguette, of course.**

_Javert tends to eat anything and everything. He is not necessarily picky, which is a huge help, as since Cosette has moved out with Marius, I find myself being the one doing most of the cooking. Most things I serve to Javert are accompanied by a glass of wine, so he is happy with most._

**The food is adequate because it's digestible and doesn't give me the runs. That's all I ask for in food.**

** _Who wears the trousers in the relationship?_ **

_Well, I suppose it's me, but that is only because Javert spends most of his time in his uniform, and they are more breeches than trousers, I would say. Although, I am hoping that Javert will retire soon, because I become lonely without Cosette. Then he will wear trousers instead of breeches. So I am afraid the answer to this question may differ._

**_What's his favourite time of the year?_ **

**Summer? I have no clue.**

_I know Javert likes the winter months because it gets darker quicker, and the stars appear earlier and brighter. I remember walking with him to my office in Montreuil on a cold evening. The stars were out and I distinctly remember the look in Javert's eyes when he was pointing out all the constellations. I've never seen him so happy._

**That was the first night we fucked, wasn't it.**

_Yes. That was the first night we "expressed our love", Javert._

AND FINALLY

**_ What were his exact words when he proposed? _ **

_Um..._

**...**

_..._

**Well this is awkward.**

_Just to make this clear, as much as I love you, I do not think marriage is needed to show that. Do you? I feel like it is a public declaration, but we don't require that like some people do._

**I am content being the way we are, in all honesty. I mean, it's very, very queer, but it is enjoyable.**

_Indeed._

**Who's making tea tonight?**

_Cosette said she will visit and eat with us._

**And Marius?**

_Yes, I suppose so._

**...He's a bit of an idiot, isn't he?**

_Who?_

**Marius.**

_Ah... I know you two don't see eye to eye politically, but he could be far worse._

**How could he be worse? He's barricade-climbing, good-for-nothing, frog-faced twirp if you ask me.**

_He could be a lot worse. He's the nicest of them I've heard of._

**She could've chosen someone with a realist view, instead of an idealist and fantasizing freak.**

_Alright Javert. That's enough._

**I'm just saying.**

_He could be worse. My daughter could've followed in my footsteps and chosen someone like you. Much worse._

**You really make me feel loved, Valjean.**


	2. Which Les Misérables Character Are You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> http://www.lmffi.com/quiz_char.html  
> This is the quiz I used for this :)

**Valjean?**

 

**Valjean?! I've found more questions!**

_What about?_

**Something to do with character...**

_"Les Misérables?" What is this?_

**WHICH CHARACTER FROM LES MISÉRABLES ARE YOU?**

ANSWERED BY  **JAVERT**  AND  _VALJEAN_

 

** _Where did you grow up?_ **

 

**I'd really rather not think of it...**

_I grew up in a small town. It was nothing special, but it was nice. My family was big and I was never short of love... Only short of food._

**Excuses, excuses.**

 

_**What is most important in your life?** _

_Family has always been of utmost importance to me, although after I met the Bishop, I feel that God has given me Cosette, and therefore God and family are linked. So I cannot choose._

**I'm going to stick to what I know. Justice. Justice is most important in my life.**

_Sometimes I think you have changed. But then you say this._

**What else could I have said?**

_Me? Your job? Eggs? You do like eggs._

 

_**What's your love life like?** _

_Don't be indecent._

**Don't get me started!**

 

_**Pick a colour scheme.** _

_Grey, brown and yellow._

**Is it just these options?**

_Yes. I chose that particular one for the yellow- the colour of my coat._

**They're all shit.**

_You have to choose one though._

**Alright... Er, well, red, white and blue.**

 

** _How old are you?_ **

**Well I ain't dead yet.**

_It's "am not", not "ain't"._

**That's the wh-**

_I am of a certain age._

 

** _Suppose you found an underfed, mewing cat wandering in the street. What do you do?_ **

**If it's underfed, feed it.**

_That is not what I thought you'd say._

**I may be harsh, but I'm not evil.**

_Well I would not know what to do. If it were a small cat, I would probably feed it and perhaps take it home. Then once it has reached full health, I would visit an array of houses to see if anyone wanted to look after it. If not, I would keep it. I know Cosette would be thrilled with the addition to the family, and it would give her more reason to come over and see me! I am not really an animal person, so it would take a long time for me and the cat to get used to each other._

 

**_Now suppose that cat bites. What do you do about that?_ **

_Oh goodness! I would try and see a doctor straight away, obviously depending on the extent of the injury. A cat on the street might have a disease!_

**Bite that bitch back!**

 

_ **Suppose you're in a dead end street. Your enemies are approaching. What do you do?** _

**I'd block the street off to minimize civilian damages, and prepare for a fight. To the death.**

_..._

**What would you do?**

_I'd pray, and hope God gives me a solution._

**You wouldn't hide? You're quite good at that.**

 

_**Politics?** _

**I can't really be bothered. I'm trying to make a living. I follow the law.**

_I stay out of it. It's nothing that has really interested me._

 

** _God?_ **

**Here we go...**

_God is merciful. I feel like I could talk forever about the Lord, but I'll put it simply. In my darkest days, God was the only one who could save me. As soon as I started believing, my life became much simpler. In fact, God has helped me to forgive, and, without that, I would not be sat here taking part in this quiz with the highly regarded Inspector. I owe my life to God and someday I wish to join him._

**Well that was sweet.**

 

_ **Do you sing?** _

**I'll sing the national anthem when it is required. In my profession, that's more than I wish.**

_I sing hymns, and I always used to sing lullabies to Cosette and to my sister's children. I find a little hum or tune makes days so much brighter._

**You soppy sod.**

 

_**Do you swear?** _

_Heavens no! I do not agree with blasphemy although I have sworn before, and I have asked for forgiveness for each time.  
_

**Fucking hell when do I not fucking swear, you gotta be fucking kidding me, I'll bet all my fucking shit that fucking swearing makes you fucking live longer.**

_Goodness gracious me. I promise you, I have tried to make him stop this. Alas, he does not listen._

 

  **What now?**

_I believe it tells us which character we are._

**... Right...**

_Oh hah! I am myself! Look! Jean Valjean!_

**And I'm... I'm...**

_Oh dear..._

**Enjolras?**

_..._

**ENJOLRAS? ISN'T HE THE LEADER OF THOSE STUDENT REBELS?**

...

**I AM NOT HAVING THIS SHIT! JESUS CHRIST!**

_Look, dear, it says you are passionate!_

**AND ALSO A REVOLUTIONARY!**

_You look rather handsome in the pictu-_

**THIS IS RIDICULOUS AND INACCURATE** **.**

_Please don't break that vase!_

**I AM JAVERT**

_I know you are, please sit do-_

**-I'M JAVERT NOT SOME KIND OF IDEALIST, BARRICADE-BUILDING TRAITOR!** _  
_

_Calm down._

**I WILL NOT HAVE THIS!**

_God help us..._

 


	3. 15 Dirty "Would You Rather" Questions To Ask Your Partner and Improve Your Sex Life

**15 DIRTY "WOULD YOU RATHER" QUESTIONS TO ASK YOUR PARTNER AND IMPROVE YOUR SEX LIFE **

ANSWERED BY **JAVERT**  AND  _VALJEAN_

 

**_If we played sexual truth or dare with other couples, would you rather watch me have sex with someone or have sex yourself with someone else?_ **   


_Goodness gracious!_

**Well considering the only other couples we know are those Thénardier thugs and Cosette and her husband...**

_Oh dear..._

**I'd rather watch Valjean have sex with Marius than do it myself.**

_No! I would rather not have intercourse with Marius!_

**Who then?**

_..._

**Face it- Marius would be the only one you could fuck.**

_This is terribly indecent._

 

**_Would you rather watch porn with me, or read "50 Shades Of Gray" out loud while touching me?_ **

**"50 Shades Of Gray"? Is that an art-deco book?**

_Shouldn't that be spelt "grey"?_

**Isn't "porn" those pieces in chess?**

_Shouldn't that be spelt "pawn"?_

**So the question is "Would you rather watch chess with me or read an art-deco book while touching me?"**

_What counts as touching? I could give you a massage while I read this book?_

**Ok cool.**

 

_**Would you rather have sex with the lights on or off?**_

_If "it" is good enough, I suppose my eyes would be closed anyway._

**What do you mean "if"?! When have I been anything less than satisfactory?!**

_... Next question?_

 

**_Would you rather cheat on me or bring someone else into the bed with us?_ **

_Cheat? As in during a game?_

**Not quite...**

_When Cosette was having difficulty sleeping, she would often clamber into bed with me for hugs. I do not suppose Javert would be fond of a child in the bed, but I'm sure he would appreciate that I would not cheat "on him". He doesn't like lying after all, and I would rather be honest if we were to play a game._

**That's not what it means, Jean...**

 

_**Would you rather spit or swallow?** _

**Swallow. I'm not a pussy.**

_Spit. I'm not vulgar._

**Define "vulgar".**

_Vulgar (ˈvʌlɡə): Javert._

**Fair cop.**

 

**_Would you rather try new, crazy and kinky ideas or just have romantic sex?_ **

_Er..._

**This old mule is getting a bit to old to do anything but receive the pleasure I give. I recon he would faint or die if we tried anything exciting.**

_Now that's just rude, Javert._

 

**_Would you rather have multiple sex partners or just one?_ **

**I've only got room for one down there.**

_I seems unfaithful to have more than one. I would rather not commit adultery!_

 

**_Would you rather end a date with a passionate kiss or sex?_ **

**Finish a date? With sex? What sort of dates are people eating these days!? I prefer to just eat it and be done with it!**

_I could not possibly agree more. The youth of today never cease to amaze me!_

 

** _Would you rather watch girl on girl porn or guy on guy porn?_**

_Well I fail to see how the gender of the players matters at all. I think it rude to believe that women are of inferior intelligence than men, so I am sure a chess match between ladies or gentlemen would not differ. But somehow, I do not see this as the meaning of the question._

**I am not a chess player at all. Just can't get my head around it.**

 

_**Would you rather have sex with his bestfriend or your best friend?** _

_His best friend is a horse! Beastiality is not on my personal agenda!_

**I'm asuming his best friend is God. Now, I'm not really up for sex with God, but I have no wishes to pleasure Gymont either.**

_I think God would be understanding of my situation and would forgive me._

**So you'd fuck God, Valjean?**

_I would not enter a horse, Javert._

 

**_Would you rather have sex in the morning or at night?_ **

**We have learnt from past mistakes in Montreuil, and, after what happened, we would not risk morning sex again. Let's just say I was given some very odd looks when I left the Mayor's office looking rather disgruntled. Valjean was asked if he had a loose floorboard by a carpenter- aparently there was a lot of audiable creaks and moans coming from his office that morning. Obviously we don't have those risks anymore, but I can still remember the humiliation. Rumours spread quickly in that little seaside town. And anyway, I wouldn't want to miss breakfast.**

 

_**Would you rather pay for sex or get paid for sex?** _

_Done both, and I don't fancy doing either again._  

**WAIT WHAT?!**

_Prison is a lonely place for everyone._

**JEAN VALJEAN!!**

 

_**Would you rather have sex while someone is watching or watch somone having sex?** _

**Probably watch someone. Although it really depends who.**

_Why are all these questions about... ahem... sex?_

**Because this is a quiz about sex, Valjean.**

_Next time, would it be possible to select a more suitable quiz, Javert? This is a bit too explicit for my liking._

**Alright, Grandpa.**

 

_ **Would you rather give or receive oral?** _

_Receive._

**Receive.**

**This is the problem in our relationship. We both want to receive.**

AND FINALLY

_**Would you rather be top or bottom?** _

**I'm usually top. And I prefer it that way.**

_And thus, I am bottom._

**Right, I think we've discussed every aspect of our sex life.**

**Are you alright? You seem tired...**

_Hmm... I do feel weary..._

**Are you ill?**

_No, I think this is just natural fatigue that comes with age, dear._

**... Should I be worried, Jean?**

_No, no. I will just close my eyes and have a nap now._

**I'm worried about you. You mean a lot to me.**

**Now you're asleep in your chair and I'm talking to myself.**

**Sleep well, Valjean.**


End file.
